IDENTITY CRISIS

have you ever tried living with yourself? if so, you will begin to see that yourself is not a static state, it is a fresh living thing. And to live with a living thing your mind must also be alive. And it cannot be alive if it is caught in opinions, judgements and values.
krishnamurti

REMEMBERING LOVE (a silly haiku for being silly in love)

There were three planets around the moon that night
I wonder which one were you at, at that time.

SURAT SEORANG RAKYAT

turunlah dewa-dewa dari kerusi-kerusimu
aku sedang membidik cinta
yang aku tau tidak ada dalam hatimu
kerana itulah aku membidik kamu.

OPERASI OKTOBER - in search of an ending scene

Operasi Oktober has ended its performances 2 days ago. And it ended with mixed emotions. Because it was a 100 percent devise play, its image totally depended on the strength of the actors. Mental, physical, meta-physical, emotions, attachments and detachments of all of them.

And because it was so organically shaped moments by moments, Operasi Oktober has life of its own. And life, as we all know, is not a bed of roses all the time.
2 good performances nights and 2 bad ones were more than enough to fill up the evidence shelves.

"so, jadi ke revolusi kita ni?" was the tag line. Well, as soon as the revolution starts, there is where it ends. The process of getting there is the core matter. The restlessness and the rebel. Perhaps that is why a number of audiences were more interested in our process after watching the actual performances. Yes, theatre is a rehearsal for revolution.

The search of The Ending Scene. To me, it is always a symbol of frustration. We, the actors and the director struggled ourselves in the process of finding it. After the hazards of two different endings that didnt work out, we revolt. We performed the frustration. And frustration is what we wanted the audiences to get.

And of course, frustration is always the feeling one gets after a certain failed revolution, not knowing that a new revolution is always waiting to be embraced.

As long as we revolt, we are alive. There is NO END.

WHO ARE YOU TO OPPRESS US?

y
Her name is Nur Isandra Syazlynn. 13 years old. My only child. Ripped off from my hand by our Malaysian pro-chauvinist Syariah Law ever since she was one year old.

U see, it had however slipped off their mind that a mother and a child had once shared heartbeats by the flow of the same blood. And forever it will be the same heartbeat and the same blood. Separation was never a permanent word.

A man once asked Prophet Muhammad (may peace be upon him);

to whom does a born-child belongs to?
the mother, answered the chosen messenger.
who else?
the mother.
besides that?
the mother.
oh..?
then only the father, ended Prophet Muhammad(may peace be upon him)

Now, who the hell do they think they are, separating so many mothers and their children?
They are just another overrated authority that is full of rubbish.
They impersonate God to be seen as God.

BYE_BYE PREJUDICE!

His name is Muhammad Nursina Tasnim. My nephew. Down Sindrome. And celebrating his 1st hari raya aidilfitri this year.

In years to come, we'll never know whether he'll understand raya even more. Or it'll just slip off his mind. Or he might just decide to live only in his own 'down syndrome' world.

But he is lucky. He'll never know what prejudice means.

HAIL TO REVOLUTION!

Annexe Nasi Kandar, Central Market:

"Jangan bagi aku hilang sabar! Aku tangkap semua bebudak ni karang!Balik! Sini tak boleh!" yelled an unmannered angry police officer to the negotiator of a group of harmless looking youngsters who were only carrying lit lanterns, not bombs. They were asked to leave. Of course they dispersed.

It was suppose to be a peaceful candlelight vigil in remembrance of the ISA detainees.

Moments later, hundreds and hundreds of people jammed up the road outside Puduraya, causing massive traffic jams to say NO TO ISA. And yup, i was there among them for every bloody reason that has got to do with human rights.

And we were the angry young pigs?

CELEBRATING FEAR

Owh.. look at these sexy and 'no f**k attitude' cats. They are celebrating their fear. Dont you envy them? Well, i do. Even with my hairless slim figure, i wouldnt dare to celebrate my body in a bikini suit at my backyard. Let alone having fur and 4 sets of bra! And a long tail swinging out from a skinny and skimpy polka-dot panty! So, hurray and a standing ovation for these brave creatures. They have overcome their fear and therefore their existency in this picture is undeniable. Of course, in the history of the survival of a feotus, only the strong remains alive. Either the fear or the fearful one.

And look at us. Always frowning and worried about necessary and unnecessary fear. We are never here nor there because we are always running here and there to save ourselves from the claws of fear. We never fight. We are so fearful. And because of our running, we became the lost one. We dont exist. We became illusion. And because we dont exist, there is no need for anyone or anything to take care of our needs. And we lost even more.

U see, existency is not such a big word that one need such a thick dictionary to understand what it means. It is just a word of an organic concept that can always be changed to the word 'won' or 'succeed' or 'nah! rasakan!' or 'padan muka kau' or even 'Alhamdulillah'. Depending on what kind of war you are involved, all you need is to pick the most melodious word that comes to mind at that very moment of success.

And yes, of course in this war between the fear and the fearful one, the one with the brightest tactics will always win. Now, what do you need to achieve such tactics? Easy. A piece of a healthy thinking brain that is able to change its mind mapping according to any rising situations.

For example, from 'i think therefore i am right' or 'i think therefore i am/i exist' you can always change to 'i think therefore i rebel'. Or perhaps 'i think therefore i have fun'. Or 'i think therefore go to hell with you'. Or 'i think therefore i whatever whatever whatever'. As long as you are using your brain, it'll be politically correct.

U see, all these jargons do not in any way, say any importance in that person that you fear of. It is always about you. So really, all you need to exist is a healthy thinking brain and an appropriate action that comes after that( that those people up there always miss intepreted it as 'rebel', but it is really just an action of a 'need').

So if it is that easy, why does it always slip off from our mind ? My guess is, we actually let fear or to be more exact, the source of our fear enveloped us with their claws, poking our eyes therefore blinding us from seeing the real issue. All we see is them and not us. And in no time, we are all succumbed into their game, leaving our own game in abandon. And we are lost again.

So, let's say that we are 'the people'. And our opponent is 'the big boring guys up there'. And we need them to actually realised that we do really exist and they have the responsibility toward the existing us. But at that time, 'the big boring guys up there' are busy fighting in their game of 'a chair and a nametag' and they dont care about us to the point of harassing our rights by building up all sorts of fear in us by implementing all sorts of rubbishy laws. What shall we do?

Do we resort to their laws and became frightened and lost our ability to fight for our rights? Or do we celebrate our fear by standing up to our rights in a war tactic consisting of a healthy thinking brain, an organic mind mapping and an appropriate action for that?

I only have one thing to say. Dont worry about being labeled 'rebel'. It is always their escapism, finding a label to be seen they are true!

So, let's exposed ourselves to the bright sunshine, people!

FEAR NO REJECTION!

After hearing and experiencing a series of believable and unbelievale tales of our so called freedom of speech, i finally came to the conclusion that what they wanted us to do is to really stop talking. Or not to think aloud.

I mean, it's not that i was so dumb that i didnt know about it or i was so blind to realise it from the very beginning. I kind of.. erm.. u know, knew it all along.

U see, the many schools that i attended to achieve such understanding towards life in a country under certain government has got a lot to do with my kind of understanding right now. I mean, in those classrooms i was taught fiercely that i wont get a slap from a teacher if i just shut up. i was also taught that being silent is a way of a respectful life. U know, the " seekor ayam bertelur riuh sekampung" kind is a big no no.

And being a part of a 50 pupil classroom, of course you wont dare to walk across the line, let alone asking why such dumb law is being implemented. U know, questions like, was God that stupid, giving us such beautiful but useless lips and tounge and voice. Or was that teacher as powerful as God in forbiding us to use our own voice. Or even, was that teacher a God?

And of course, apart from being afraid of being humiliated by getting a slap or a canning infront of the whole classroom, we also were very afraid of being rejected by friends. U know, in those days who wants to befriended a lonely vocal who always got himself into trouble. One would rather be closed to a famous brainless-princess wanna be-girl who doesnt understand the fact that a two plus two and two times two is the same thing but knows how much a girly dress and a bottle of mascara cost.

And it will be even worse if you were enrolled in a "sekolah agama". They literally used God in every single thing they do. Like in a human needs and rights rejection. U know,like preventing a young boy student from seeing his girlfriend, in the name of God. And after a while the high testerone driven boy launch an attack into another high testerone driven boy's ass. And after that it became hearty-farty. And then love. And then commitment. And then sex implants. And so on.. And they'll go ( the teachers, i mean), God knows you are screwing assess therefore you cant lie. If you really dont screw asses, you've got to do a swearing also in the name of God. If you do, the 'laknat' will fall on you, also from God. I mean, i dont have anything against God's power but I pity God for all these human-nonsense- bad drama He has to face every single moment.

U see, i dont really understand. I have a teenage daughter. I'd rather have my daughter telling me every single thing that she's doing or had been done or thought of doing. It is easier to tame her puberty-adolescent-crazy thinking and doing rather than receiving her back home with a big belly of an irresponsible idiot's baby or an arm full of drugs injection marks or anything worse that you can and cant think of. In order to have that unrejected mother-daughter-friend relationship, shutting her up vocally is far from being practiced ever since she was born. I admit that i do got headache and temperament at times but it worth. I know how to deal with her because i know what she is thinking of. Easy.

But on the other hand, I kind of realise how powerful a silence can be. U know, for example if my mouth is gagged, i'll definitely be restless and my brain will immediately start working to its fullest volume and tells my body to start moving energetically. That means, the more my mouth is shut, the more i rebel. Rebellion comes from restlessness, a friend of mine said. So do i need to say more if you are oppressed and surpressed vocally? Let them shut our mouth. It's a blessing in disguise. Now we can think and do things silently. They wont know and they dont care.

Anyway, time have proved that you can get away with anything, even a murder just by being silence!

And for the cat up there in the attached photo, she fears no rejection. She's free to pursue her dream. And i think i'll join her in a little while.

I am DAMN happy for being a clueless bastard!

Why i never write on politics? I dont know. Well, the truth is i do not want to know and i dont fucking care! Why must i write about those big flat stupid shameless asses who only care about themselves and their deep fat pocket full of rice and their big flat stupid useless nametags? Believe me, that is all they care. And stop being foolish! They dont care about you.

I mean, if i am a politician, i would do the same too. Infact with my horoscope as a gemini bastard, i could be the richest and the most beautiful politician lady in town. U see, i am, as much as u are, a human being like them too. i have brain and heart, pancreas and duodenum, rectum and all. so i guess i'll pretty much will do the same as them if am a politician. But, owh! i am not and they are. And they turn out to be colourless and dull politicians. So why must i feed their egos, those boring hooligans by writing about them. Damn, god forbid!

I write about ordinary people and their extraordinary power to still keep on their feet despite the economic blunder with the rise of oil and rice and crime while the heat-up politicians up there fighting among themselves for a chair with a nametag. Will that chair and that nametag do something to the people's suffering? Like u know, giving free medication to the poor? i dont know. I dont even know how a chair and a nametag look like. I've never been a government servant.

And who cares about 'i swear to the government i did not think like marxist' or 'i swear to God i am not a hippie'. I mean, does the swearing do something to people's suffering? Like u know, giving free education to the poor? So that they know the difference between a rectum and a belly button. And so that they dont have to prostitute their bodies and principles to get money to go to school? I dont know. I never finish schooling. Everytime i got myself into a higher education institution, i got kicked out of it. Partly because i was and still a lazy and lousy bastard. Partly because i dont believe in their mission, u know, that serving the government thingy. I mean, when is the government going to serve us, their people? Owh! We've got to serve ourself? U mean, we've got to travel in their 'useless-over crowded-never on time' public transportations to get us to the place where we work our ass off to put rice on the table? O, u mean we who lives in malaysia, one of the biggest exporter of rice have to replace our rice on our table with the cheap bread?

See, that is why i want to write about us, the people, the real power. We are colourful and vibrant and lively and stronger. Remember the story of a lost state minister who cried because he had to get his ass out of the official big mansion after the election? Owh..how about the 'setinggans' whose house got burnt down? And talking about being real, a lot of their stories were made up to blindfold us from seeing the real issue. As if we are fools...

So lets get our pants down and cheer for the freedom!

STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT THE OIL PRICES: we have decided to change!

Uuu.. is that a bicycle ?

STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT OIL PRICES. JUST BOYCOTT IT !

See, even cats are notorious. Why not us?

Re EDUCATING CAB DRIVERS (they love our middle fingers!)

u see, the sun was blazing red. the pavement was hot enough to burn my soles. People is everywhere, yelling, screaming and laughing. Motorcycles and cars honking. different songs from different stores collided together in the air. So are ciggies smokes and buses fumes. Plus children's nagging and crying. And everything else that only God knows. Owh! Welcome to Bukit Bintang, the golden triangle of Kuala Lumpur, where even God has retired, on a saturday afternoon! Of course, i got terrible headache on that day.


I live in desa pandan. After the completion of the great Bulatan Kg Pandan with its highways going here and there, time taken to reach bukit bintang is reduced to less than 5 mins! God bless these roads. It is our money in the tar and stones and whatever it needs to build these smooth and sexy roads, anyway. Even in a slight traffic jam, we'll reach Bukit Bintang in not more than 10 minutes. Forget about the heavy traffic jams at high time. Blame the government for letting almost everybody, as long as they reach puberty in reading signboards and recognizing colours to have their own car (or cars even), all crumpled on the same roads on our tiny piece of land.

So, with my head throbbing badly, i got my big and lazy ass to KL Plaza taxi stand and holy cow! 10 cabs were there staring at me. Such a lucky bitch i am. Which cab will be lucky enough to have my ass resting on its cushions, my mind spoke on behalf on those cabs. La la la la la la. And then, came the tragedy.

u see, although there were 10 cabs, only 3 drivers were waiting for customers. The rest of those cabs were all ghost driven, i guess. And all those ghost has dissapeared into their coffins in KL Plaza, Bukit Bintang Plaza, Sg Wang Plaza or into massage parlours occupying one third of Bukit Bintang or perhaps they were singing their hearts out in karaoke rooms, leaving their customers waiting in vain.

And, there they were, 3 living ghosts in white uniforms, standing and chatting, laughing and feasting their eyes on a little girl's big boobs with school bag's strap cutting through her cleavage swaying infront of them. Owh, i came into rescue right in time, calling them

"abang.."

"nak pegi mana?"

"desa pandan."

"o.. tak boleh la. Jem teruk sangat ni."

True enough, transports in every sizes and colours are swarming the road infront of them. But i am not stupid.

"bang, masuk ikut tepi planet hollywood ni, terus masuk highway ke bulatan Kg Pandan, mana ada jem."

"owh..' i could catch a slight embarrassment in their face. "tak boleh la, semua driver nak rehat.."

I was so pissed off. With a voice that rings 'do not bullshit me', i asked " satu teksi pun tak nak jalan ke sekarang?"

Then, melodiously the sacred words came out.. "15 ringgit."

My eyes widened up and my jaw dropped to my feet. Speechless and humiliated, just before i turned around, there you go.. my middle fingers right infront of their faces!

U see, i 've had enough of all these bullshits but still it's happening to me. 15 ringgit for a 5 minutes journey which only cost me 5 ringgit at any other time? holy cow! over my dead cat's body!

But of course. my middle finger was not long enough to poke their eyes, let alone their hearts and consciense. I left the taxi stand in sweat. They just turned around to find another pair of delicious boobs to feast their eyes on.

So, i had to take the 'always late and never on time' monorail to Bukit Nenas, walked across the flyover using the 'will it ever work?" escalators to Dang Wangi, took the 'very old and almost collapsed' putra train to Jelatek to take a cab to Desa Pandan. Luckily, i.m a flip-flop person. If i had heels, they'll probably on those drivers's foreheads by that time.

Anyway, by the time i reached desa pandan, my headache was almost not there. All because i kept on thinking and i finally found a resolution. At least for myself. How to re-educate those cab drivers.

If i ever met with the same incident, which i'll cut my cat's middle finger if i dont, i'm sure i will and you too will, you and i should do this,

: widened up our eyes as big as we can, dropped our jaws flat to the ground, do a little shivering, or wipe the cold sweat on our forehead and say,

"ha!?! 15 ringgit? murahnya! 30 ringgit saya boleh bayar! tolonglah hantar saya ke desa pandan yang 5 minit saja jauhnya tu."

Remember, say it as bold and as honest as you can. If not, they'll know you're just being cynical.

If You meant what you said, take the cab. When you finally reach your destination, open the door, take out your 15 ringgit (if u have. if not, 5 ringgit will do!) and throw it to his face and run as fast as you can!

If you were just toying around and you DO NOT WANT TO PAY 15 RINGGIT, dont forget to struck up your middle finger just after saying those lines.

They love it! La la la la la..

jack n jill

jack n jill went up the hill
to fetch A pail of water (ahah! why do we need 2 people to fetch only a pail? i wonder)
jack fell down n broke his crown (hahaha..it's about time!)
n jill came tumbling after (r u nuts?)
she stood up
n wave her hand
to the world
to the reporters way down there (gile glamer hawau pompuan ni! tapi tak kisahlah, yang penting)
n pour the water on jack's head
she sang 'goodbye chauvinism'


p.s hehehe.. i'm such a gemini bastard! hehehehiks.. burppp..

Finally, here I am

Nah!